I Feel Like A Shit Mother

Today, I feel like a complete and utter failure as a mother. I feel like the worst mother in the world. A shit mother and it’s all because of my postnatal depression.

Referral

At Danielle’s B4 school check I raised concerns about her possibly having a mild form of autism. Developmentally she was perfect. But it was her emotional and behaviour side of things that I was struggling with. The B4 school check nurse sent a referral in to the pediatrics department and we finally received some appointments a few months later.

Child Development

Our first appointment was for child development. This was similar to her B4 school check in that she was asked to play and they assessed her development and discussed with me any sensory issues etc. Again, developmentally she was great. Just everything else. She had a meltdown as we left because she didn’t want to leave. Next up was her pediatrics appointment. That one happened today.

Pediatrics Appointment

After talking to the pediatrics doctor, going through every little detail about everything, it was determined that Danielle doesn’t have a mild form of Autism. Great news right? Instead, she has something called attachment disorder. What’s more? It’s the result of me having postnatal depression. That’s why I feel like a failure as a mother. I caused Danielle’s attachment disorder with my mental illness. I’m a shit mother.

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I caused this. Every time I pushed Danielle away from me whenever I needed space. Each time my postnatal depression made me react in anger. Every time my attention was on anything and everything other than Danielle. It’s all MY fault.

What Happens Now?

Attachment disorder is fixable. But it’s going to require a lot of work. The first step requires getting my postnatal depression back under control. I will have to go back onto medication, which is a complication in itself (more on that at another time). This time, I am also going to be referred to counselling. Which is something that I didn’t receive when I was first diagnosed last year. It’s something that we as a whole family are going to have to work on. Myself & Danielle, Eugene & the rest of the kids. It’s going to be a long journey. But at least now, we know what direction we have to take to get there.


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About AMummysLife NZ

Mother of 4 children. Blogger about family life, recipes, product reviews and motherhood in general.

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2 Responses to I Feel Like A Shit Mother

  1. Dee says:

    I just came across your blog on Kiwi mummy blogs. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I haven’t been through this type of depression but I have an anxiety disorder so I know how the guilt can pile up when things are going on with the kids. I’ve watched two of our kids go through different things and come out the other side so much stronger and knowing than ever before. It’s been hard. So hard. But we have got through it together. I think sometimes when your kids go through these things – and we don’t want it for them, the moment they start to overcome and improve is the most amazing feeling of relief and pride that I have ever experienced. I always want to sheild my kids from pain and struggle but to be the kind, wise, beautiful, compassionate people they are growing up to be, I’ve realised that sometimes they have to overcome some stuff. Whatever happens try to fight off the guilt (I know it can be all consuming – but it’s not your fault – you are fighting your own battle hard and doing the best you can and I am so glad you are getting help) Your child is going to be all the more awesome getting through this with you. Please remember on the hard days that you are a wonderful mother. x

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