A Trip Down Memory Lane

You would think after 33 years, I would be full of memories, right? There should have been any number happy memory for me to look back on.But apparently, I’m not. I’ve been scrambling my brain over the last day trying to think of pleasant or happy memories from when I was a child. I can remember a few things.  I had a reasonably good childhood after all. I can remember the odd birthday party with ice cream birthday cake, some funny Christmas day moments. A water fight with my oldest brother where he cheated  by grabbing his camera so that I couldn’t throw the bucket of water over him. The Christmas that our family dog, Sasha, ate all the chocolates off the tree that she could reach while we were eating lunch and left a ring of silver wrappers around the base. Trips to the roller skate rink or the little local cinema to watch Pippi Longstockings when they still had intermissions.

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The photo my oldest brother took when he cheated in the water fight by grabbing the camera.

But for some reason, all my happy memories as a child seem to be glossed over and vague. They leave me with a pleasant feeling but there is nothing tangent. Nothing in sharp recollection. What does seem to stand out in my memories with sharp focus is the negative memories. The ones where my other brother plays a part. Every moment where he took his temper out on me stands out in my memories. They overshadow the happy ones. That same Christmas that Sasha ate the christmas chocolates, is overshadowed by my brother throwing my tray off my seat and taking my seat while I was putting my plate on the bench. Memories of collecting feijoas from the ground under the tree is overshadowed by my brother coming from behind and kicking me hard. Memories of laughing with my bestie and her brother are overshadowed by my brother slapping my face. Memories of riding my bike are overshadowed by my brother throwing a tantrum when I wouldn’t let him use it and smashing my organ/keyboard to pieces.

As much as I would prefer to remember the happy moments in sharp focus and gloss over the negative ones, all I can  do is remember the reverse. My happy childhood is overshadowed by the abuse and bullying I suffered at the hands of one psychotic brother.

I sincerely hope that the memories that my children remember most as adults will be the happy ones. Not the negative ones.

About AMummysLife NZ

Mother of 4 children. Blogger about family life, recipes, product reviews and motherhood in general.
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8 Responses to A Trip Down Memory Lane

  1. Nita says:

    One way to help bring the happier memories more available is to write them down and when the bad stuff comes just ignore it and only write about the happy part of the event. You’ll never forget all the bad, and I’m not sure you want to. Writing it down will help you focus on the good parts, and make them stronger in your mind. Good luck. I’m sorry for the brother, but am glad you were able to start forming memories that don’t include his meanness.

  2. Martha says:

    I can remember happy memories as a child but I’m now going through heartache with some of my family members and while I keep seeing all the happy moments, they quickly are erased with the family drama now. I’m sorry you do not have happy childhood memories, but like I told my grandson, walk down the path you are on now and don’t look back. Start making new and beautiful memories. <3

    • I have been. Everything after he was cut out of my life is all happy memories. It’s just a shame that all the memories I have that should be happy are shadowed by something negative.

  3. Alana says:

    I think the bad memories are seared into our minds in a way that good ones aren’t – they are seared, and they cause us pain that takes years to be muted or removed. You had an abusive father and also an abusive brother. In my extended family, it was a cousin who was mentally ill, and also abused his mother once his younger brother (her protector) was out of the house. I hope the times you have blogged about this part of your life help with your healing process.

  4. Vicki Maheu says:

    I can relate, I do have a lot of happy memories, but the negative ones left an impression that the positive ones could not override. Much prayer and soul searching, and yielding to God and giving things over to God, and finally, now that I’m approaching 50, I feel that I have healed from my childhood and can finally look back and see the happy memories, and see the bad ones too, but not dwell on those bad ones or let them overshadow the good ones. But its taken me until age 48 to reach that point.

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