Today, I feel like a complete and utter failure as a mother. I feel like the worst mother in the world. A shit mother and it’s all because of my postnatal depression.
At Danielle’s B4 school check I raised concerns about her possibly having a mild form of autism. Developmentally she was perfect. But it was her emotional and behaviour side of things that I was struggling with. The B4 school check nurse sent a referral in to the pediatrics department and we finally received some appointments a few months later.
Our first appointment was for child development. This was similar to her B4 school check in that she was asked to play and they assessed her development and discussed with me any sensory issues etc. Again, developmentally she was great. Just everything else. She had a meltdown as we left because she didn’t want to leave. Next up was her pediatrics appointment. That one happened today.
After talking to the pediatrics doctor, going through every little detail about everything, it was determined that Danielle doesn’t have a mild form of Autism. Great news right? Instead, she has something called attachment disorder. What’s more? It’s the result of me having postnatal depression. That’s why I feel like a failure as a mother. I caused Danielle’s attachment disorder with my mental illness. I’m a shit mother.
I’m A Shit Mother
I caused this. Every time I pushed Danielle away from me whenever I needed space. Each time my postnatal depression made me react in anger. Every time my attention was on anything and everything other than Danielle. It’s all MY fault.
What Happens Now?
Attachment disorder is fixable. But it’s going to require a lot of work. The first step requires getting my postnatal depression back under control. I will have to go back onto medication, which is a complication in itself (more on that at another time). This time, I am also going to be referred to counselling. Which is something that I didn’t receive when I was first diagnosed last year. It’s something that we as a whole family are going to have to work on. Myself & Danielle, Eugene & the rest of the kids. It’s going to be a long journey. But at least now, we know what direction we have to take to get there.