Can I just say it? Being a working mum is HARD! I mean I love my new job. I really do. But there are moments in my day when things are not easy. It’s not easy to leave your children to go to work. Even when you are leaving them in the care of family that you trust.
Spending hours each day pumping enough milk to make sure Bella can be fed and then having to deal with very full and painful breasts in the hours that I work. Not being home to help tuck my children into bed and knowing that I won’t be able to pick up Celine from school a couple of days every week when she starts back on Monday.
I enjoy the new challenges and learning new skills but I’m not dealing with the most patient of employers. Even when I think I am doing well they can find something to fault. Today was an example of such.
I thought I had done extremely well for my first morning shift which is completely different to the afternoon/evening one. It deals more with the pre-open cleaning and the lunchtime crowd in the restaurant side of the business. But at the end of my shift, instead of a “you did really well for your first time but here are a couple of things you could do better next time” I got told off for the 5 seconds I spent waiting for the other staff member on duty to ask a question about the task she asked me to do. She pointed out several tasks that I could have done instead of “standing around.”
I left work today, in tears, feeling like everything I had worked my butt off doing meant nothing and that I hadn’t put in enough effort. (Remember, this is my first week. I am still learning the job.) It put me in a bit of an emotional mood this afternoon and I’m still feeling like that now. I actually sat in my car in the kindy car park just crying for 20 odd minutes before finally drying my eyes on my skirt and going in to pick up Blake and Dani. I’m still randomly getting tears dropping now. And it’s not that I’m a cry baby or tend to cry easily. It’s that I gave birth 20 weeks ago and I’m leaving my baby to work 6 days a week and if anyone who has ever had a baby knows, emotions can be pretty unpredictable for the first 2 years!
It was one of those moments in my day that made me question if I was doing the right thing. If working is right for my family. I am not a quitter though and my day is not usually like this. I don’t usually leave work feeling so upset or confused or emotionally conflicted.
Our family does need the extra income. It was why I spent the last few years looking for work in my usual field of administration. So I will do my best to make this job work out for us. I will be loyal to my employer. I will give 110% on my shift as I always try to. But at the same time, I am not going to put pressure on myself to do more than I am physically and emotionally able to give. Especially when it isn’t appreciated in return by my employer.
Because that is not worth losing the special moments with my family for.