|The photo that started it all|
Part of having self-confidence is having body-confidence. I reached my final height at the age of 12 years old. From that age until I got pregnant with Celine I weighed in the range of 70 – 75 kgs depending on the time of the month. When I got pregnant with Celine at 23, I jumped from a slim NZ size 12-14 to a NZ size 16-18. There is a world of difference in those sizes. I didn’t plan on staying that size forever obviously but I was still breastfeeding Celine (I didn’t wean Celine until she was 15 months old) and I still hadn’t lost the weight from that pregnancy.
sparked the comment that damaged the body-confidence part of my self-confidence with it. It wasn’t just that comment, you see. She also posted a big long offense on my facebook page baraging my choice of clothing and looks and attacking me in a more personal level about how my relationship with her son was damaging his friendships with everyone else (rather a silly accusation since hubby was the first of his friends to have children and one of the normal things that happen when you become a parent for the first time is that people without children tend to fade off and drop out of your lives.)
|The bad memory that came up on
today’s On This Day FB app
This is the memory that came up on my Facebook On This Day memory app. That offensive status. It wasn’t a pleasant one for me although it was just one of a long line of issues that she had of me at the time. We didn’t have an easy relationship. I wasn’t the Daughter-in-Law that she wanted and truthfully, I mostly probably still aren’t. But her attack of my on my Facebook wall really helped to set back my self-confidence and really damaged my body-confidence. It was still a long time before I actually got slim again (just in time to get pregnant with Blake).
I didn’t really focus on my weight until after my miscarriage (September 2010) when Celine was 2 years old. That miscarriage was another hit to my body-confidence. Was I too fat to carry a baby? Was there something wrong with my body that I would lose a child?
I fluctuated with my weight from then. Each pregnancy I would put on weight and straight afterwards I’d concentrate on losing it again straight away instead of focusing on feeding my baby and enjoying the baby stage like I did with Celine and much like I am now with Bella. It was frustrating in a way. I’d lose a pile of weight after each pregnancy and get pregnant again. It happened every time.
It was only in my pregnancy with Bella that I relearned to relax. I would eat a mix of very healthy meals and enjoy some very unhealthy treats while I was at it. I stopped worrying about whether I was putting on too much weight ot eating too much of the wrong foods. I put on weight and became a similar size to what I was with Celine. But my body was also one of the healthiest it had been. With my pregnancies for Blake and Dani I had gestational diabetes despite the care I took to not put on too much weight. I never had that issue with Bella although we tested for it time and again to be sure.
I’m large. I know it. But I’m also happy. Bella’s birth was the easiest most natural birth I have ever had. My body knew what it was doing despite my size. It gave me a body-confidence boost that I never knew I needed until then. My body was strong. My body was capable. My body birthed a child without medical intervention for the first time EVER.
Bella’s birth gave me a recovery I didn’t expect. I grew to love my body again. I might be big again but I am feeding my baby. I am providing sustenence for my baby. I am allowing my body to recover in it’s own time. Every day a teeny tiny more size comes off. My clothes aren’t quite as tight as they were the day before. My flabby post-baby mummy apron tummy is just a teeny tiny smaller than it was the week before. I am happy with that.
Eventually, I will want to lose all the weight again. Hopefully this time for the last time. But for now, I love my body. The size I am now is because I housed 4 beautiful babies in me. 4 beautiful babies who are growing up fast into 4 beautiful healthy children. It’s taken me 7 years to reach this point of body-confidence and it will probably take me several years to become the size I will eventually want to be. For now, I am happy. For now, all I ask is to be healthy. For now, I love my body regardless of my size.
I have no idea if my Mother-in-Law reads my blog. If she does then this will probably be an awkard post for her to read considering our recent efforts to try to reestablish a connection between her and our family. But at the same time, this memory brought out something strong in me that I needed to let out. It is something I needed to get out.
It’s funny how a few little words can really damage someone’s self-confidence and body-confidence. I am not for everyone and I am OK with that. I am who I am. I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not to please someone else.